"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't
a boy ... I'd have had
nothing to play with."
" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's
home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel."
"One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said
to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because you came home early.'"
"It's been a rough day.
I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering
"I could tell my parents
hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio."
"I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend."
"I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."
"When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'"
"They tell me to love my neighbor as myself... I gotta jerk him off too."
" I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born."
"I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof."
Once when I was lost, I saw
a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"
I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get."
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel
like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few
drinks and get some rest."
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to
run off a cliff.
"Some dog I got.
We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went
on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."